• To a certain extent surely it has to be a big generational as roles have changed. It’s not that long ago that your whole life changed just because you got married.

    It’s interesting because I would find it hard to consider someone with no income as indepdent, I suspect that is a bit of black and white thinking but it’s interesting to read that you…[Read more]

  • I’m very sorry about your sister

    I don’t think that being financially dependent has to be a bad thing if both partners go about it the right way. I’ve only been dependent on OH for money for a comparatively short time but I have my own pension and savings etc because this seems like the sensible option. I will be working again soon, all being…

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  • Why is total independence considered the be all and end all? I am certainly not subservient to my OH but I also wouldn’t say that I am independent of him either, what I do affect him and vice versa so we both take the other into consideration when making decision. E.g. In SC’s example above I would be FURIOUS if my OH handed in his resignation…[Read more]

  • @strike I’m very sorry about your sister

    I don’t think that being financially dependent has to be a bad thing if both partners go about it the right way. I’ve only been dependent on OH for money for a comparatively short time but I have my own pension and savings etc because this seems like the sensible option. I will be working again soon, all…[Read more]

  • @strike So sorry about your sister, I hope that all works out OK.

    I agree totally with this post. I have a 63 year old friend who does not know what her husband has put in his will. I find that gobsmacking !

    I’ve also seen women in court, still wearing a black eye, beg us to let the boyfriend who gave them it come home so they can do it again.…[Read more]

  • I’ve seen too many women come unstuck because they’re totally dependent on their husbands income and have no notion of their finances and would struggle to be able to earn a decent income themselves. It means they feel trapped in their relationship when it’s going very wrong or are left with nothing should they split up.

    There’s no way that I’…[Read more]

  • I have a friend who’s been married to his wife for 10 years. She would think herself feisty (yuk) and possibly an independent woman. He fell in love with her and I think enjoyed being her rock and being relied upon as she struggles with depression and possibly bipolar on and off. I also personally find her difficult to gel with and…[Read more]

  • @nasty-woman I wonder how many men there are out there who want Victorian type women given to fainting at every opportunity? I couldn’t stand a man like that. I want to be supported and treated as an equal (even if I am different e.g. better driver, less able to pick up 40kg sacks, better at mental arithmetic, worse at cooking or whatever) and the…[Read more]

  • I’ve had several relationships were the men haven’t coped very well at how mentally and physically strong I am, I kid you not. One used to get quite frustrated that he appeared to struggle lifting things at the farm when I was flinging the things over my back like it were a light rucksack!

    There are some blokes out there who actually do want a l…[Read more]

  • Are we defining independence mostly as a financial thing?

    @sammy No, I don’t think that being independent means being financially independent although of course it does not preclude it I’m afraid that I don’t like the term ‘fiercely independent’ as I don’t think one has to be fierce unless under attack.

    We all like to be needed, men included. I…

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  • We all like to be needed, men included. I think a lot of men measure their own self worth by being high earners, fixing things, being the physically stronger one. So an independent woman who isn’t looking for that in her partner confuses, bewilders and unintentionally undermines them.

  • Are we defining independence mostly as a financial thing?

    maybe I am mixing up independence with being pragmatic. I am not financially independent in that I could afford what I have on my own. But OH loves that I can dig myself out of snow drifts, drive a lorry, fix guttering and not fall into a hysterical mess in a crisis. he earns 4X what I do,…[Read more]

  • @mega-fan Yes, that’s how I see my marriage too, as a partnership. No one is in charge. We just work as a team which doesn’t mean anyone is superior. We simply have different qualities and can manage to do most things between us. If we can’t we either don’t do it or pay someone else!

  • I like to think of my marriage as a partnership to which we both contribute. Finances are only a small part of it, we use our strengths for the benefit of the partnership and in areas where neither of us have any obvious skill we join forces and get by. My hubby has contributed more financially over the years and currently does the lions share of…[Read more]

  • My hubby tells me he loves my independance and that is what attracted him to me. We work as partners an equals. Financially I have been the wage earner for most of our 25 years of marriage. It all goes in to a pot for us all to enjoy. i organise the holidays else we wouldn’t go away – he loves going away but has no interest in planning them. We…[Read more]

  • Ha, I just had the most horrendous experience with a man 15 years my senior. Supposedly liked how much of a “career girl” I was, that I was financially independent, earning more than him, blah blah blah. Said man became slowly more controlling and the minute I pushed back he couldn’t cope.

    I think some men like the idea of an independent woman…[Read more]

  • @lovely I don’t think it’s possible to judge the independence of a woman by relative earnings or by shares of household chores. It’s a state of mind, not of bank balance or who is pushing the hoover.

  • I am equal to my OH, as in same or similar job. When he was promoted and started being on a higher wage it coincided with me getting more overtime and teaching outside of work, so he never earned more than me.

    I hate housework so checked out of that, and employed a cleaner! I did the washing, we shared the ironing and he did most of the shopping…[Read more]

  • I don’t know of any of my male friends who would think like this and my OH wouldn’t dare . Only one of my female friends is a stay at home mum (and she was always the one I knew would end up doing that) although some work part time. All the couples I know share all the jobs at home and none of the women would ever feel or act inferior or as if…[Read more]

  • I did once have a boyfriend who seemed happy enough to be with an independent woman. We moved in together. We were both working fulltime. After a few weeks I raised the issue of cleaning – as in I was doing far more than he was. He replied “well I am happy to help out but I draw the line at cleaning toilets!”

    It didn’t last much beyond that………[Read more]

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